Him…

Hey guys! So its been a pretty good number of days since the last time I’ve posted something. I would’ve a lot sooner but I had some stuff going on… blah blah blah… you know how it is sometimes. Life happens. I was actually working on this post 2 weeks ago, but never got back to it, not necessarily because I didn’t have the time to, I mean yes I was going through some things, but there was definitely some free time in there and this topic has been sitting on me for a while. There’s just something about it… I don’t know what it is though. Maybe I’m confused, or just too scared too sound dumb or ignorant. Yes, I know I shouldn’t care what anyone thinks, but please I’m human; of course I freaking care what people think! So, here it is.

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Let me start off by saying that if you haven’t read my post “Back and Forth” read it here. This post will probably make a lot more sense with that in the background. I also want to clear up that if I offend anyone based on my thoughts, it is not my intention… I’m just a little, uhm, stuck? I think that’s how I’m feeling.

Tonight I attended a youth group, it was my first time ever being a part of something like this. As you may already know, I don’t necessarily know much about God or His word, or the bible itself. All I know is that I believe in God, I believe in a high power… I believe He is the higher power, but I don’t know how I feel about the bible, and what happens to be right or wrong according to “His word”. I say it that way because maybe I have some serious trust issues but how do we really know these are His words? Ever heard of that telephone game? You know the one we played in middle school during a class to teach us how things can easily be misinterpreted based on what each person understands or hear? You’d come up with a phrase like “I like to read poetry and listen to music”, and you’d say it to one person, then the next person passes it on to the next person, and so on and so forth until they reach the last person in the group. Then we ask the last person what they heard and they come up with some bullcrap that would go something like this: “I really don’t like poetry and I write my own songs”. Which is pretty much far from what the original phrase was. Well, how do we know if that’s not what happened with the bible? How do we know that the people who keep publishing the bible don’t make their own “rules” (that’s what I think the bible is… a book of rules)? How can we really go by a book that was created years ago, with no other evidence that proves it is God’s word?

Am I supposed to listen to my heart? Wait for a message from Him to tell me, or to at least convince me that the bible is real? By real I mean not written by a human being who thinks this is what we should be doing. Like I said before, maybe I have trust issues. Maybe I think too much about it. I just don’t understand how easily someone can just pick up a bible, trust its words, and live by them. Does this make me a bad person? I question it too much I suppose. I question Him a lot. I question the church. I question His followers. I don’t know why though, maybe because I wasn’t raised going to church or reading the bible. I wasn’t raised learning “prayers”. I was raised knowing that God is everything, that God is love. God is our “Father”, and that’s all I went by. Yes, I believe in Him and I believe in Jesus. I believe in praying. I believe in Angels and Demons. I think what has me stumped is simply… The Bible.

Now back to the youth group meeting I attended. It was both beautiful and too be honest a little uncomfortable, not in such a bad way though. I felt like an outsider, although I did have my fiancé there with me along with my (lets just call them) brother and sister-in-law. But everyone knew what to do, and when the leaders spoke they were so into it. They have so much passion into passing on His word. That was beautiful. But praying, trying to “feel” the Holy Spirit… it just made me feel so strange. I didn’t know what I was feeling. My body felt like it was being renewed. My bones felt like they were being touched. My body was filled with something that I had never felt before. Did I experience an encounter with the Holy spirit? Is that possible? Why did I feel the need to pray? Why did I feel the need to get up on my feet and raise my arms and search for more? What was it? Maybe the energy in the room, or the music in the background– which was extremely beautiful! Why do I question it all though? Why can’t I just accept the bible or church? Maybe because of the next thing I’m about to say…

So there was this one verse they went over, here it is:

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

Matthew 10:34-38

(sn: not sure if there’s a proper way to quote this or anything,  and not sure if we went over that entire verse, but most of it for sure).

Now… I am going to be completely honest here; want to know what my first thoughts were when I heard this? “What the Hell is this?!” I mean I didn’t understand… why would He say this? How am I expected to love Him more than my own mother or father? How is it right to put Him before my own daughter? I’ve never heard something like this before. Is this real? Is this really His word? Am I not worthy of Him because I think of my daughter above anyone else? I was angry. Who is He? I was confused, and extremely offended. They kept on reading the verse and my mind was racing with such negative thoughts, it just didn’t make any sense to me… at all. Then I continued to listened, my mind began to calm down from its rushing thoughts of confusion, and I could finally think

I tried to read the verse on my own over and over to try and grasp some type of understanding as to why God would sound this selfish. Yes. I at that very moment, I thought He was selfish. I thought that He was trying to say that He only mattered. I thought God was ordering us to “love” Him; I thought He just wanted to feel powerful. Am I not worthy for Him because of those thoughts? I hope not. I know He has to be hearing me, and I know He has to understand why I can’t just grasp it all. Because if I don’t understand why I question it all… then who else but Him would know?

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3 weeks later… I’ve been working on this post for 3 weeks now, and my mind has definitely flipped completely from how it felt the first time I heard that verse. NO, I still do not completely understand it, BUT this is what I  think it means: God is our creator, He is all of what is around us. He is the higher power, He is our father. God is love; to know love we must know God, and trust God, and love God. No one else. We must put God first because if we don’t then how could we possibly put anyone before Him and know how to love them, treat them, care for them, if without God we wouldn’t even understand any of those actions? We must believe in Him for He is who protects us, and has plans for us, and listens to us, and is here for us. He is the one who teaches us without us even knowing that we are learning. It is Him who shows us what love is. Maybe that verse has nothing to do with love, but that is what God is to me–Love. I love love, and I love everything about it and I feel that He’s shown me how beautiful love is. Maybe the verse is simply that God comes first, before anyone, before ourselves, and that’s just it… it’s that simple, I suppose.

I want my daughter to know what love is, every shape, every form of love, and I want her to know that God loves her. But how do I teach her these things when I question them daily and still can’t wrap my mind around understanding His word?

I definitely want to attend another group session again. It’s helping me in a way. My mind, my heart, my perspective in general is changing… I just can’t seem to understand how.

I’ll end it here. I can’t seem to find what I want to say. My thoughts run back and forth on this particular topic… I don’t know where I stand on it. I’ve worked on this for too long and I still haven’t found an answer… maybe I’ll get it one day.

Xoxo

Sophelys.

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“Mama Knows Best”

I’m sure we’ve all heard and even rolled our eyes every time we heard that phrase. Whether you heard it from your own mother, or from another mother, or from any other person, it usually came out when one, the mom is obviously proud, or two, we wanted to give our opinion. Sometimes we feel like we are doing the right thing by sharing our thoughts on what a mother should do in any situation which honestly, isn’t always the best idea.

well maybe if you held her this way.

maybe she wants ___.

maybe she likes ___.

maybe she rather you did ___.

I’ll admit, I used to do it too. I wasn’t even a mom and swore I knew or had the right to suggest to a mother anything that came to mind. I look back now and how was I not slapped across the face? Whether the intentions are good or not, it is the MOST annoying thing I have dealt with as a mom. Maybe it’s the approach, sometimes people just feel like they can say whatever pops in their head without thinking it through, which most of the time sounds more like a demand rather than a suggestion. Its pretty offensive when a person who is not the mother of your child feels as if they know your child. No, You don’t know my daughter… know my daughter. am Sophia’s mother and I know why she’s fussing, I know how to rock her (if she even needs to be rocked (I’ve gotten her to put herself to sleep *pats self on the back*)), know when she’s hungry, know when playtime is over… and so on, you get the point. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do need the advice. Sometimes it’s nice to hear another persons opinion on something I’m unsure of in motherhood; but most of the time it is the most aggravating thing-ever. Yes, I’d rather people wait until maybe I’ve asked for advice on my next move, and yes I’d rather some people really think twice before they think about telling me what my daughter may or may not want or need. Maybe I’m stubborn and a little overdramatic, but I know I’m not the only mama who gets this way. It drives us nuts! Especially if you’re not even a mother… now that is just plain absurd. How in your “right mind” do you feel like you even have a say? Haha!

Now friends… please do not get upset off this. I appreciate you all and all that you have either said or done for me throughout my journey as a mother so far. But I just have to be honest, and honesty hurts sometimes. And no, I am not saying that I don’t want to hear anything involving the way I raise my daughter… well, kind of but not in such a scary way. I am not saying that you have to watch what you say around me… sometimes a mama has to be put on check too, just be polite about it. Feel free to speak, but please don’t be surprised if I come back with a sarcastic attitude if you’re telling me something completely obvious or if it may be something I don’t agree with. Also… let’s all just try to remember: when a mother says or is doing something for their child it’s because they know what they are doing. I go through this with my fiance all the time, it’s a bit more funny than it is frustrating but seriously don’t think it’s just the outsiders–outsiders as in you who are not in the mommy-club– that challenge the acts of mommies. I’ll tell him one thing, he’ll do another, Sophia will fuss and fuss, and I always say the same thing:

Do you think I tell you things just to hear myself talk? I know what I’m talking about.

Seriously, it’s hilarious. He will then do what I had suggested in the first place and BAM! Sophia’s goooooood. (Sorry hubba, but mama does know best–get it through your head).

Please, please, please don’t think that it’s only the “outsiders” and the fathers either, because there are other mothers out there that tend to forget about all of this and do the exact same thing, but worse! Let’s just try to keep in mind that the way you may be raising your child, may or may not be the way I want to raise mine. Mommys judge other mommys. It happens all the time. From what brand of diapers or wipes they’re using, to whether the mother is breastfeeding or has their baby on formula, to whether they buy already made baby food (such as Gerber) or make their own food at home. There’s tons more, trust me. It’s normal though of course, we all think our way is the “best” way. But please, don’t shove what you think is best to do down my throat. I will never tell someone if what they’re doing to their baby is right or wrong, unless of course I feel that the baby is in harms way (that obviously goes for everyone). I think as mothers, we should all understand where the line is… and when we are close to crossing it just take a bout 10 steps back. All mothers know best, and by that I mean that all mothers know best for their OWN children. Wouldn’t you agree?

I hope that I am not coming off as rude or angry or upset. This is something I’ve felt strongly about since the day I had Sophia. I’ve also been meaning to write about it, but never know how to begin. I want to clarify that this is more of a rant rather than  a well thought out post. Haha! 

On a sidenote: I do want to thank all those who have supported me and helped guide me through this beautiful experience of being a mother. Although I just made it seem like I completely do not need or want the help, that was not my intention. I know that I have a lot of learning to do, and I know I will make mistakes, but I also know that I have many fellow mommys and even friends and family to support me and always be there for me. So thank you all. Kisses! ❤

X’s & O’S

Sophelys

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List of Things I Want My Daughter To Know

Now that I am a mommy, I understand why my parents did and said the things they did. They were looking out for me, they were protecting me, they just wanted the best for me; it was “for [my] own good.” Although I should have realized that much sooner I appreciate it and understand it all now and that is thanks to my daughter. I want nothing but the best for her; I want to look out for Sophia and protect her, just like my parents wanted, did, and still are doing for me. So, I’ve been thinking… and there is just so much I have thought about that I want Sophia to know and understand. I hope that one day she will be much smarter than me and realize it sooner than I did, that I will not do and say the things just because I am her mother, but because I love her and she is my world, and that I will protect forever.

Here’s a list of things I want Sophia to know and understand (warning: this may all be very cliche but they’re lifes rules that I agree with):

~ What goes around comes around: I’m a big believer in karma; I mean look my first child was a girl and everything I ever did to my mother and my aunt (who raised me) is going to hit me back 10x harder than ever. Haha! I’m so blessed with a girl but I had high hopes for a boy… Karma didn’t let that one slide though. I want Sophia to understand that her actions–whether good or bad–will have consequences. Always. Sometimes it could take a while, sometimes it could happen in a second but what she needs to know is that every decision she makes will affect her life. Her next move, the way she treats people, how she decides to go about a situation will all have it’s own outcome. I want her to have a clear concious… and the way to help that is by constantly reminding herself about Karma (because she is one heck of a bitch!!!).

~ Never fall for someone unless they’re willing to catch you: This happens to be one of my all time favorite sayings. Sophia will “fall in love” countless times. Her heart will break over and over. We’ve all gone through it… every guy was our “true love” until we actually met him (in my case, my hubba Steven (love you babe)). It took me a while to realize who it was I really cared for, and how much I cared for him. We had just as many downs as we did ups. My fiance fought for our relationship. He was completely selfless… as I, although I hate to admit it, was extremely selfish. He never, ever, doubted our love. He never let go of our love… even when I tried, and as I tried to, I wanted to push him away… which only made him fight harder. Sophia, I want her to be able to know if a guy who she may think she’s in love with is just a boy who doesn’t want love, and the guy who is nothing but an asshole. I want her to see her guy as someone who treats her like his most prized possession. I want Sophia to know her worth, and know that she deserves a love so fulfilling.

~ Treat others the way you want to be treated: Now this phrase we all learned in kindergarten. Easy. Very understandable. BUT the world we live in now in days is just so cruel and so selfish that no one lives by this anymore (at least they are extremely hard to find). I want to teach Sophia that although there are cruel people in our world, we still have to be kind. We want to treat others with respect, and kindness; we want to be loyal to our friends, and honest. Just as we are doing those things, people will stab us in the back, they will not have a care for us and our respect… but we will still hold our heads high and be polite… but baby if you feel threatened or extremely disrespected than put your guard up and defend yourself, you have that right.

~ Let love find you: I could not stress this one enough… and again I will use my fiancé and my relationship as an example. Sometimes people are just too focused looking for love or to be loved. Some people strongly dislike the single life… I–must admit–was one of those people before I met Steven. I was young. I liked the attention. I liked to feel loved. I thought I should always have a boyfriend… I searched for love all the time and every time I thought I found it, I lost it all over again. Then one time, I was hurt. My heart just kept on breaking into tinnier pieces, I had enough! I was single for a while… I wanted absolutely nothing to do with these men (boys). It was summer, I was having a blast with my best friends. I was 16. So young. Steven was already a friend of mine for almost a year (can’t lie, I had the hugest crush on him… I mean he is a beautiful man, how could I not?), we started to hang out with the same group of friends, then him and I started to hang out on our own, then we talked more, flirted a lot, and then our feelings for each other just kept growing. It felt so natural, as if we were connected, as if this was meant to be. I never felt the way I did for him ever before. Obviously we started dating, I became his girlfriend; we had ups and downs of course, break-ups and make-ups. But one of the things I learned from our relationship was that you must be patient when it comes to love. Love is always there, just not exactly when you’re looking for it. Love will find you… don’t lose faith in that. There’s no need to rush it, there’s no need to fight it. When love is near, it is incredibly hard to miss–and that my dear is a beautiful feeling.

~ Choose joy: “There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy” and why not accept that? Yes, we all have bad days. Yes, we all feel crappy sometimes… but choose a different path and stay on that path thinking nothing but of happy thoughts. Feel content. Feel peace. Feel love. Because they all lead to happiness. So wake up in the morning, and after you’ve made the decision of what you’re going to have for breakfast, make the decision to be happy by simply choosing to be.

There’s many more I’d love for Sophia to know, and that I will continue with next time. For now… I hope you all have enjoyed this list and I have high hopes for sharing this with Sophia. Love it or hate it ❤

TO BE CONTINUED…

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

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First is the worst; Second is the best… so they say.

If you read last nights post you will already know how much of a failure I felt like after not being able to successfully introduce Sophia to food (rice cereal in this case). I mean I just beat myself up all day long every time I thought about it. But today is a new day, a second chance, so I took another try at it… Success! Sophia actually sat through this and ate some cereal; hooray to another milestone we have approached together! I’m am filled with entirely too much joy over something that–to you Non-mommies wouldn’t even understand–is just so heartwarming. I can’t wait for the veggies, fruits, meats all that fun messy baby food to come in play. This is really such an exciting step we’re taking.

Today, I feel extremely silly for how I felt last night. Motherhood isn’t easy… I mean we are dealing with a human being that is completely dependent on us. Not only are we teaching them, but we are both in this learning process; it will be fun, messy, frustrating, overwhelming, tiring, and thrilling all at the same time. I love that! How could anyone not? So, word to the Mommies out there… we all just need to think positive and have some patience–a lot of it actually. Patience will definitely go a long way. Have fun doing this; love motherhood… ’cause the minute you are in it, there’s no getting out. Who’d want to anyway? This is the best thing I have ever been a part of.

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

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Feeling Like A Failure

Sophia’s finally 4months old (since like last week actually) and it’s about that time to introduce her to food–rice cereal, blah, but still extremely exciting! I’ve been so excited for this next step in our lives, I couldn’t wait for it. There’s been a lot that’s been pushing it back farther and farther but finally today we were able… to try at least–I failed miserably though. Sophia slept throughout the entire night (no complaints there it was incredible!) and usually she’ll wake up at 4 or 5 for a bottle then wake up around 7 for another… she didn’t get up til 7ish, had a bottle, then fell right back asleep til 10. That’s when I noticed something was strange. I wanted to start her on cereal around noonish, but her appetite just didn’t seem right today… it wasn’t the same, I was a bit worried and feared it would interfere with the whole introduction to cereal process. So, around 10 she was hungry but only had 2 ounces instead of the normal 5-6 ounces she usually drinks; she napped until 12 (so many hours of sleep, idk how she does it) and finally woke up. I was thrilled! Time to get to it, but I didn’t even know what to do, or how to prepare the cereal for her. I eventually calmed my nerves and got my thoughts straight, cause there were just all over the place; I couldn’t even follow simple directions, luckily I had my hubba there… but again something just wasn’t right. As soon as she woke from her nap she screamed badly, she cried badly–she rarely cries, she’s more of a whiner–she was STARVING. I mean of course… she barely drank her bottles. So, she ignored the cereal… she had no interest in the spoon… I couldn’t do it. My poor baby just wanted her bottle; I immediately made her a bottle and gave it to her (sn: she holds her bottle on her own *wipes tear from eyes*). Sophia cried so badly, she threw up… lucky for us, we had her 4mo doctors appointment today, so I mentioned this all there (completely normal they say … hmmm *side eye*).

Basically… I disappointed myselfI failed. I feel like a failure.

That happened over 10 hours ago, and I still want to hide under my sheets and crawl into a little ball, because I feel like a complete loser-mom who couldn’t feed their daughter or even introduce a spoon of cereal to their baby. I know she is ready. I know this. I know these things take time. I know I need patience… I know this step will take a lot of patience, and that we are both learning together; I just really had high hopes for that moment today… I’ve been thinking about it so much for practically 2 months. I just wanted to get this milestone rolling. I don’t blame her––never would. I just wish it would have went the way I expected or just better than what happened. But I mean does anything ever go the way we want it to in motherhood? Each milestone takes time I suppose… most of which the baby does on their own, but something that we can take part in, how could it not affect our emotions?

Any other moms ever felt like they have failed? I’d love to join that club.

But I’ll try again tomorrow… got my fingers crossed for a successful try.

x’s & o’s

Sophelys

Every Time My World Changed…

You know when you experience something that just feels completely unreal and new? You’d probably say “wow, my world has changed”! It happened to me plenty of times throughout my pregnancy now that I look back at it. The day Sophia was born was the day my world (my life) changed–EASILY! There were a couple other times too (that I will get to, wait for it). I’ve been thinking, and how have I not shared my experience through my pregnancy? This blog is dedicated to my life with Sophia, and though she is (2 days away from) 4 months old, I carried her for 9 months! I’m excited to tell you this; I will be honest though, I was a lucky one… you won’t read about any horrible stories about morning sickness and all that crazy talk you hear about what happens during pregnancy that people usually talk about. The world makes it all sound so horrible, but trust me, it is the opposite. I was like you, you being the person who thinks being pregnant is scary, I was terrified to be pregnant.

I’m going to get fat!

Everyone will judge me.

I’ll be kicked all the time.

I’m going to get fat.

Ill never sleep!

I’ll throw up all the time.

I’M GOING TO GET FATTTTT!

That’s pretty much what would run across my mind. I never thought what a beautiful experience it would be. I never thought I would want to get pregnant, now I would love to do it again! So here it is, here’s the journey I took with Sophia and with my incredible fiance. Now I do remember mentioning how I found out I was pregnant and all that and some details about my pregnancy in an earlier post… so for those of you who actually keep up with my blog, you may read something that sounds familiar.

June 2013 was a pretty eventful month for me. I turned 21 on the 17th, I finally took my drivers test and received my license, a couple weeks later I bought a car. Then July came… officially 1 year living with my boyfriend (now fiance). July was filled with a bunch of birthday celebrations… meaning a bunch of bar hoping and all that. It was a great experience, but I don’t like to drink, so not so much my scene. I did take a shot or two the nights I did go out (birthday celebrations, you know how those go). Then August came… Oh August, 2 weeks in and I realized my period was late–very late! Immediately we bought a pregnancy test (two to be exact), ran to the bathroom took them BOTH and I was indeed pregnant. Both came out positive, the line itself was very bold and came quick, there was no mistaking it. I was thrilled! He was scared… but then we looked at each other and cried from pure joy. We were going to have a baby. I called my gyno… 2 weeks later I have my first appointment and she told us I was pregnant! It was real. I-WAS-GOING-TO-BE-A-MOM! First time I felt like my world changed

SONO

My expected date of delivery: April 24th, 2014.

Cravings: Peanut butter sandwiches (like 4 a day), chocolate milk, and honey bunches of oats cereal or cocoa puffs. All day everyday. No joke.

My pregnancy was a breeze, honestly. I cannot complain. Yes, I did experience somethings that you all hear about. When I was 3 months pregnant, I did have to go to the hospital… I was extremely dehydrated. I barely ate, lost my appetite, I was pretty small. It was scary, I was worried for the baby (then I swore I was having a boy). Took 3 days off of work and just went back at it. No I never experienced any type of morning sickness. I never threw up (thank God!). I loved to work, to be up and at it, walking around, getting stuff done. Laying in bed for most of the day hurt me more than standing 8+ hours a day would. My self-esteem definitely shot up! I loved the way I looked; I loved the way I carried. I felt beautiful. Sorry if that makes you think I’m shallow, but really I learned to love myself. My body. The way my hair was naturally, my nails, and even my face. This baby was just doing good… she was blessing me with so much. First time hearing our baby’s heartbeat, I cried, he smiled… it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my entire life… yes, mdaysy world changed at the moment. In December we found out the sex of our baby; we were gonna have a girl; we cried. The ultra-sound was just so unreal… it was all still unreal even at five months. We announced that we were having a girl… this time our world changed. Towards the end of 6 months, I finally felt her move… into 7 months and she was kicking me everywhere. What a feeling! To think I was even worried about feeling something so extremely incredible, I was ashamed of my old self. My world changed those very moments. I was able to show Steven and my close ones, let them feel and see our little girl being active… it was such a beautiful experience to share with people who care about us. At 8 months I started to get more leg pains (they told me to wear a band to support my belly, but I was stubborn and just dealt with the pain). I stuck through work, some days I’d leave an hour or two early… but I still felt the need to move around and be active. I never wanted to stay in bed. I just wanted to keep on moving, which I am so happy I did, maybe thats why I was a pretty tiny preggers. Beginning of 9 months, I had to call it quits for work… I still had 3 weeks left until my EDOD, but the pain got much worst and my feet would swell up more than I can handle at work. My last week at work, I thought I was ready to have her (3 weeks early), I felt contractions, went to the hospital… false alarm. I was sad… sucks to be rejected, especially in that situation (moms you understand, right?).

 Fast forward to next 3 weeks.

On April 21st, I leaked a bit… worried that my water broke we went to our doctor, they sent me to get a sonogram… my water still hadn’t broke. I felt discouraged; when will she be here? There they estimated she would weigh 7lbs, 10ounces.

April 22nd, I spent the entire day moving in to our new room and getting everything ready before the baby gets here. I spent hours cleaning, folding, bending, standing, walking… my back was aching! I didn’t even notice I was having contractions until about 11:30 that night. We monitored the contractions for an hour… they were 2-3 minutes a part. They were so bad! For those of you who wonder how bad they hurt, they HURT! They are horrible! I will not lie about this, sorry. Truth hurts, and so do contractions! At the hospitlabor1al, they checked me at 1am (making it April 23rd), they monitored my contractions still being 2-3 minutes a part. The whole time I was there, there was a woman next door in labor, and oh my God, she was screaming! She made it sound so horrible, I was scared for my life! Around 5am, they told me I was only 2cm dilated, and that there was nothing that could be done; it could take hours or days to open up some more. They sent me home. Again, I felt discouraged. So we get home, my fiance tries to get some sleep, I laid in bed and every time I shut my eyes I had a contraction. They were constant… they were excruciating; contractions are a bitch! From 5:30am – 11:00am I did not sleep, I needed to walk–the pain was horrible. Steven barely slept, I was in pain so he was pissed. How dare they send me home when I was in so much pain? He called our doctor, explained what was going on and we were off to the hospital, again. I was already turned down twice, I didn’t even want my hopes up, I just thought they were going to send me home again. Immediately, I got a room, my nurse (who btw was amazing, so kind) checks where I was at–5 cm dilated, yes! I was admitted. She was coming. Yes, here my world changed too. Can you believe at 5am I was just 2cm, and at 12 I went up to 5cm? No wonder I couldn’t sleep. Luckily, earlier before we even called the doctor, Steven made me a sandwich… but that was ALL I had that whole day. I had no idea the day you go into labor you cannot eat. A pregnant woman not allowed to eat? That’s crazy! I was starving. I just wanted a glass of chocolate milk!

So finally, I’m admitted in the hospital, my friends and family there to support me. I breathed through my contractions. Yes, they hurt, but I can honestly say that I am so proud of the way I handled them all. No screaming. No cursing. Just deep breathes and some squeezing of my fiance’s hand. Of course it got to the point where I needelabord epidural (which by the way ladies, is not nearly as bad as people make it seem. If you can have a baby, you can handle a needle through your back). Before that, my doctor came in and went over our plan, and then checked me, I was then around 6-7cm. She broke my water for me. Epidural is absolutely everything, praise the labor and delivery gods for that, without it I do not know if I’d be so calm. I received my first dose around 5pm (I believe, time wasn’t on my mind). I finally got sleep, I shut my eyes for a while, probably no more than 30 minutes each time but it was still something. I slept through some of the highest contractions. Epidural works wonders, trust me! I was also fighting an infection, so I had to finish a bad of antibiotics to get rid of before our baby came out. Around 9pm the first dose of epidural started to fade away, I began feeling so much pain on my entire left side! It was so bad… we tried moving me in different positions, which would help speed up the labor and for me to feel a bit better. Didn’t work much. I was just so uncomfortable. Been laying in that bed for hours, couldn’t even stand up, had to pee in a freaking bag. I was starving. All I had was water… and ice of course. I was already in labor for 20 hrs (remember my contractions started around 11:30/12ish), I was exhausted. No wonder they call it labor.

I received the 2nd dose (which was a higher dose) around 10pm; I was completely numb. Then, bad news… I had a slight fever, we needed it to go down before it got to the baby. Soon after, my nurse checked me and I was at 10cm, finally. Yes, now time for us to get crowning! Then my doctor came, I had to start pushing. Yes! We’re so close. All I can remember is having my two cousins and fiance with me (sn: thank you Steven, Jas and Ness, you all gave me so much strength, I love y’all). I remember them all guiding me through. One of my cousins told me:

Work together, Becky. Work with your baby; you guys are a team.

and I will never forget that (thank you Ness). She was right, we were a team. We pushed through each contraction. There was a big problem though… I was soooo extremely numb from the epidural, I couldn’t even feel myself pushing. It was so hard, but luckily I was getting the work done. We were getting the work done. Waiting for a contraction, I gripped on to the back of my thighs, pulled them back, pushed, and breathed. Over and Over. Delivery lasted about 45mins (lucky me, I heard it could take hours). It was a quiet and peaceful delivery, just encouragement talk everyone was giving me, and the deep breathes I was doing while pushing. No screaming, no moaning in agony. I mean I felt nothing. No pain. Just pressure. Finally, last push… she was here. Our Sophia, soft cry… the most beautiful cry I have ever heard. My world did change. My life changed. Our baby was here. Our beautiful, innocent, baby.

 delivery

Sophia was born on her exact due date, April 24th, @ 1:31am. Weighing 7lbs 10ounces (her estimated weight from a couple days before). They say only about 10% of babies are born on their EDD. How crazy is that?

My pregnancy, the labor and delivery, was all such a life changing experience. I promise you all it is truly beautiful. I couldn’t be more grateful for everyone who supported me, for everyone who was there for me. My family is so incredible. My dad for staying there from the time I was admitted to the time Sophia was born (he and my in-laws stood right outside the door during delivery). Jasmin and Nessy (my cousins) for actually being there during everything, thank you for guiding me. My nurses, especially the one who was actually there through the who delivery was an amazing nurse and person. She definitely made me feel great through it all… and lastly, to my fiance, my bestfriend, the father of my child, he was there through it all. All 9 months… all day long, no sleep. We did it! We all did it. Thank you God for blessing our family.

I also want to thank my daughter, Sophia. Thank you for being so incredibly good to me. Thank you for working with mommy. Thank you for being such a blessing… Without you, we wouldn’t be where we are. We did it baby.

So there it goes. Here it is. All out there. 

My world changed many times, and I loved each time it did.

sophiabday

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

You Are You…

You are perfect exactly as you are.
With all your flaws and problems, there’s no need to change anything. All you need to change is the thought that you have to change.

I hope Sophia realizes that no matter what she will be judged. No matter what people will always look at her and criticize her for every move or decision she makes–even if that decision or move was the right one. I want Sophia to know that maybe there will be people who simply won’t like her. There will be people who love her. There will be times when she will take a step back and judge herself… but one thing I want to express to her–something I want her to always remember–is to never change who she is for anything or anyone. She needs to know that there is no one in this world like her, like you, like me, like your next door neighbor. We’re all individuals; and that we should take pride in. We need to take pride in all our flaws, in all our mistakes we have made and for those we will make.

I’d have to admit… sometimes, a lot of the time actually, I care about what people think. When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared that I was going to be a disappointment (of course I did disappoint a few people, being young and pregnant in many peoples POV isn’t such a good idea). Sometimes I even wonder what or how they think of me as a mother–not that I really care about that, Sophia’s opinion really matters most (SN: I actually think I’m doing a pretty damn good job at this; I was definitely made for this life, because I love it!) Basically, I need to realize that whatever people may think of me, I must simply shrug off. I need to let go of constantly worrying about the next persons opinions. If I keep thinking this way, then what will I look like telling Sophia to do the opposite? I want to be an example for my daughter (in certain areas, I wouldn’t want her to pick up bad habits of mine).

Sophia needs to understand that she is the only person who can control her life (well, her father and I will have a say in it for a while of course). She is the only person who will know what she wants, what she needs, and what she needs to do to get there. If she needs a little push, or some advice, then that’s completely fine… but no one should influence her decisions. No one should make her feel like she needs to change. I am me. You are you. Sophia is Sophia… that she will need to understand and I will do everything I can to help her do so.

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

My Loves.

Most of the time you will see or hear a man thanking their wife, girlfriend, baby mama, or whatever their status may be, for giving them a child. But rarely do you see or hear a woman–Mother to be exact– thanking their husband, boyfriend, baby father or whatever their status maybe. I mean c’mon without them, where’s the baby? They gave us the gift of becoming a mother… same as we carried that gift to share with them.

I want my fiancé to feel appreciated. I want him to know that I couldn’t be more thankful and proud to have him in my life, but most importantly for him to be the father of my–OUR– beautiful baby girl. There’s nothing more beautiful (and lets be honest, nothing more sexier) than a man who loves their child and is there for their child.

Steven, you are the love of my life; I thank you for giving me life with all the love and support you give me, and for giving me life by blessing us with such a beautiful family. You are an incredible father, Sophia loves you so much–the way she stares at you is heartbreaking (in a beautiful way, of course). I look forward to the rest of our lives. I cannot wait to spend forever with you, and Sophia. I love you, hubba… always & forever.

Sophia and Steven are both my world. They complete me. My loves… You are my everything.

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

IMG_0022.JPG

Good start…

When I created this blog my intention was to write at least everyday… I’ve been awful at doing that. I can admit that I just didn’t have an idea of what to write about. I mean of course there are plenty of things going on in Sophia’s and my life, but maybe my “creative writing skills” didn’t know how to write it all out… We had a good start and I just brought it all down. Time to work on that.

So heres a catch up to our lives:
– Sophia holds her bottle (I mean this is a big deal for a first time mommy). MY 3-month old baby is growing up on me *cries*
– I’m currently in Atlanta visiting family… without my hubba *cries again*
– Job hunt is on pause right now… I got something up my sleeve 😉
– Can’t wait to start feeding Soph cereal soon!
– Sophia still poops, pees, cries because she sleepy, and cries because she wants to be walked around… BUT she is such a good baby besides all that. She lets mama and daddy sleep through the night (God blessed us!), she loves “bathy time”, and loves when mama reads to her (my absolute favorite thing to do). She usually the happiest after her naps,

well… I know our life is not too interesting right now, BUT something will come up, We just need some inspiration.

X’s & O’s

Sophelys