This time last year…

2013 was a good year for me. It was the year I turned 21, my fiancé and I had officially been living together for a year, I got my license on my first try and even bought my own car. Of course I was having loads of fun, especially finally being able to party it up with my older cousins. I was hitting the bars (I’m such a boring person I don’t drink so it didn’t make sense to go but I still had a good time) with my friends and family, took a shot here and there for birthday celebrations… Most of this took place in the month of July.

Then August came around… But my period didn’t. I took two tests and they both came out positive. I was pregnant. We were going to have a baby. I hadn’t even been 21 for a whole 2 months and I was already expecting, and you want to know how I felt? Lucky. I felt so much within those 30 mins from when I took those two tests. I was going to have a baby, I was pregnant! I mean could you imagine having that sink into your mind? I was thrilled! I could surely say that I felt like I was intoxicated with joy once those blue lines on the test showed.

My fiancé on the other hand was, of course, in shock… Scared I can say. It was a little difficult for me after I showed him the results; I was terrified that he wasn’t happy like I was. All I could do is smile and laugh (I tend to do that when I’m nervous)… Maybe I cried a little. I sat at the edge of the bed, with my emotions quickly changing from excitement to fear because my fiancé did not react nearly the same way as I did or as I hoped he would. He then but his arms around me and kissed me and we looked at each other… I wasn’t afraid, he was there, we laughed and kissed some more; we were going to have a baby!

Now a year later, I sit here looking at our beautiful daughter and I can feel it all again. I can feel the joy and excitement from when I saw those blue lines. I’m so happy where I am right now; I’m so blessed for how my life has turned out so far, and who I have in it. I love being a mother, a young mother to be exact, I can say it’s what I live for. I take pride in being a mommy, all I want to do is be here for Sophia. I want to love her; I want to watch her grow. I want to teach her and I want to learn from her. I’m so excited for the years we will be spending together. Love it or hate it…

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

Back and Forth.

Deep down, there’s a place within each of us that is made for one thing—a relationship with God. No matter how hard we try to cover it up or fill it with something else, we will never be satisfied.

I tend to find myself stuck when I think about my religion… I’m catholic, I guess I can say that. I mean, I was baptized and I believe in God. I pray. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I believe in Angels and demons. Sometimes… I don’t believe in church. I question it a lot, yet I want to be a part of it. I want to… What is it that they do, praise The Lord? I want to know Him. I want to love Him in the way that I suppose is the right way—if there even is a right way.

I sometimes find myself feeling jealous towards those who live each day of their life praising “the Lord”, who attend church and actually feel so passionately toward it. I feel a little jealous for those who took Sunday classes, and know the bible, and for those who know prayers by heart and when to say a certain prayer at a certain time. It even makes me feel guilty at times… Am I wrong for not being so involved with my religion?
Maybe I should take the time to read the bible… I mean I have plenty of time to blog, to scroll down my timeline on Facebook or twitter; I have plenty of time to scroll through Instagram… So why not? Why not give it a chance—give Him a chance?

I would actually love to get more involved in a church, maybe build that relationship with God. Attending mass (that I actually understand (I attend a Spanish church/mass and my Spanish is horrible!)) makes me feel a way that’s hard to describe… It’s nothing but pure goodness though, Holy I suppose? Maybe fulfilled. My point being it’s a great feeling, something I would love to carry around often, and able to let Sophia feel too.

It’d be good for us ❤

X's & O's

Sophelys

well…

I can definitely say that lately my life has been a bit of a roller coaster–a lot like the Mind-Eraser actually (not that I’ve been on it, but I don’t think I have to ride it to know that it’s pretty much insane). I don’t want to say that my life is horrible right now, because it’s far from that, but I do want to admit that I feel horrible at times because of some things that are going on.

Of course you all know that I decided to quit my job–my last day is this Saturday and it’s a bittersweet feeling 😦 :)–because it just was not working out for me, and for the time I want to spend with Sophia during her first year. I’m currently jobless and as much as I extremely do not want to I’m on a job hunt. I wish so badly I could just have the occupation of being a “Stay-At-Home-Mom”, I want nothing more than that title. Unfortunately, my fiancé is uncomfortable with the idea of me not working… so, I’m just trying to get over my feelings about this whole subject, and make him as happy as he makes me. I understand that “money doesn’t grow on trees”… ugh, I’ve always hated that phrase, and I do realize that it’d be impossible to live with just one income, but I need to be with Sophia… I know you all have heard this plenty of times. So… I’ll stop there. Next.

I’m also just a little flustered being here… home… in Maryland. I just need a little break from it all. I miss my Mom and my family in Georgia. I’ve been looking for flights, to ATL, but the prices are just so damn expensive! Which proves why I should be working I guess…………. *sighs*

I mean now that I’m expressing my feelings, I want to say that maybe the reason why I feel so horrible is because of this whole work situation and leaving Sophia for 8+ hours of the day. There’s nothing else in my life I could possibly complain about. So… maybe because I quit my job and have all this time to find a new one, I can use it to leave for a while (with Sophia of course). Maybe the reason I feel that my life is so crazy (Mind-Eraser crazy) is because how strongly I feel towards working right now. I find myself extremely content with my life, and then I think about going back to work and all of those feelings get thrown around everywhere… jerking side to side, and flipping upside down… which leads me to feel so down. I just want to avoid those negative feelings, so I’ll keep myself distracted. Hopefully, going to Atlanta will help. 

Well… until next time.

Xs & Os

Sophelys

Choose joy.

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Maybe lately I’ve sound a little down about my life because of the whole work issue and not seeing my daughter. I apologize for that. I apologize for making you all feel that I’m down… Because really, I’m not. I’m so happy with my life and everything that’s happened in it. I’m so blessed for each day I get to spend with my daughter, my family, and my (very limited amount of (but not ashamed of that)) friends.

I strongly believe that people need to remember that if they don’t think positively, or wake up with an optimistic attitude, then nothing but negative energy will surround them. Yes, we all have some crappy days… But what’s life without them? We need those days to make our better ones, well… better. What I’m trying to say here is, to not forget to love your life, to love yourself, your family, your friends, and everything else there is to love. Do not forget to “choose joy” because without joy, you’re nothing but a bitter person. And who wants to have that energy around them? I sure don’t—especially not around Sophia.

I want Sophia to feel joy, to be happy, to love. I want Sophia to appreciate life. I want her to wake up and know that each day will be a good day, and if it’s not… She’ll shrug it off and wait til the next day and hope for the best.

I hope you all could do the same. Love the life you live, and just choose joy. I’ll be sure to do the same.

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

A Reason Why I Shouldn’t Work For A Year

Hello! Time for an angry-mama rant.
Today I’m at work, had to come in earlier bc another EE couldn’t make it on time to open the store. Oh, and last night I got home from work with a major migraine… I’m pretty sure if I would’ve kept throwing up the way I did I would’ve just gave the toilet my insides. It was disgusting! So anyway when I got home Sophia was already asleep… Of course. When she woke up to eat I couldn’t even feed because I was too busy giving the toilet all of me. So I slept off my migraine, woke up this morning with Sophia asleep again. Left for work and you know what happened when I left? Sophia woke up and she held her bottle on her own! My almost-3-month-old baby! I’m so sad and yet so proud. Something like this May be little for you all, but I think I can speak for us in the mama-club, but this is just something we live for—our babies growing. It’s beautiful.

The first year is too important to miss out on. The first year will be the first everything! What else will I miss while I work? What else will Sophia do on her own? I can’t let her NOT rely on me. I’m her mom. I need her to need me. Where’s the wrong in that?

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

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A Ton Of Work, and No Sophia.

Hey guys/gals…

I’m almost through with my first week back at work, and let me tell you, it’s been horrible! Remember in one of my earlier posts when I said that my job consumes my life? I wasn’t just complaining–it does! I mean my very first day back there were already things going wrong in that place. As if while I was gone for those three-months everyone was just skipping around the store “la-di-da-ing” around–it’s ridiculous! So I’m already feeling so much pressure for everything that hasn’t been done and needs to be done as soon as possibly can. BUT!!!! What makes that difficult to do is that we’re extremely short staffed, and there’s no time to do anything besides helping the customers. Usually, we’d have enough people to balance out our work… customer service, paperwork, customer service, coaching, customer service, more paperwork, customer service, help clean/organize the store. That’s all been thrown out the window apparently.

Now that all of this is going on, I’m at work all day long for extended ours and Sophia’s with my family (whoever’s day it is to babysit) and I’m just going crazy inside all day long. She needs to be with her mother. I need to be with my daughter. I pick her up, or come home from work and she’s already sleeping. We don’t get to bond. My job has taken it all away from me… but I won’t let that happen anymore. Last night, things were so bad in the store I gave up. Yes… I printed out the “Resignation Form” and filled it out completely! I’m done with this place. I used to love it. I used to love going to work, getting everything done. I used to love the teamwork… but I love Sophia more. Point blank period.

I’ll try to fill you in as soon as I get some free time. I don’t have that anymore either, and its NOT Sophia’s fault! (I wish it was)

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

Maternity Leave… done-zo

Today I go back to work… which means I’m officially off Maternity leave *cries*. I am really not looking forward to leaving Sophia for 8+ hours. The thought is driving me crazy! I mean I only work 15 mins away, but that is just 15 mins too far. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’m going to explode and break down at anytime. What makes it worse is that Steven (her father, keep up people!) will be with her today since it’s his day off but he completely messed up his ankle playing soccer last night and could barely walk without a limp. I feel terrible, my two loves need me… yet I’m going back to a place where people have no common courtesy, want what they cannot afford, jokingly/annoyingly ask for a discount, disrespect all the EE’s especially us managers. There’s no appreciation whatsoever. Not that I’m looking for appreciation… I’m just looking for a way out of this, let’s be honest here. The only ticket out is another job and my job search just isn’t going well–at all.

What to do? What to do? I sit here and type away as my two love-bugs sleep and wish so badly I can stay and do the same with them for the rest of today, tomorrow, and forever… Like I’ve said before, I have so much support from my friends and family–I know that. But we all know what plays a huge role in everyones life: $$$.Without it we cannot not live (so they say). I want to say that we don’t need a second income coming in but that’d be a lie. Besides the fact that we have to pay for necessities, I’ll be completely honest here, we need some cash for some fun time. With just one income coming in, “fun-time” will be cut short.

So, I guess for today I will (try to) suck it up and just do what’s best for Sophia and our family. We all have wants and needs, and in this life we live in we can’t just get them without working for them. I will do whatever I need to for Sophia… I’ll just probably complain about it here. ‘Til next time.

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

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Pride In My Work.

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs… since the payment is pure love. ~ Mildred B. Vermont

I’ve always been the type of person who loved to work. I mean I would bend far and back for my job, it was always my number one priority… but Sophia knocked them out of first place. I never thought I’d see the day that I desperately did not want to go back to work. I loved doing a great job at tasks/projects that were assigned to me. I loved having a team and being its “leader” (I’m an ASM for a retail company). I work full time and would stay for longer hours than necessary. Throughout my pregnancy nothing changed. If anything I became more of a control freak. Things had to be done and they must’ve been done right! I’m more organized in my workplace than I am in my own home. I actually did more in my workplace than I ever did in my very own room… at home I’m just a lazy coocoo but at work I swear I have some OCD issues. My determination to help anyway I could definitely got me noticed by many store managers and even my DM; which I know could help me in the log run… but to tell you the truth, I could careless about any of that anymore. Let me tell you why:

Sophia is officially my first and only priority as of April 24th, 2014 (the day my princess was born, duh!) I refuse to miss out on her first year. My job would do that to me. My job consumes my life; it takes up my whole day. My schedule isn’t consistent, my availability must be flexible (am, pm, weekends, holidays)… it gets crazy. I spent more time at work more than I did in my own home… thats a fact! I cannot let my job get to me like it has these past 3 and a half years. I need to be there when Sophia finally rolls over. I have to be there when my baby starts to crawl. I must be there to hear her first real laugh. I cannot not–will not miss her first step, the first time she eats food, or when she says her first word… *obviously I’m hoping she says “mommy” first*. I’m extremely attached to my daughter, whether that may be a bad thing I really don’t care. She’s my first child. these past 3 months with her here have been incredible. I spent 9 months carrying her, how could anyone think of separating us? It’s heartbreaking.

Nowadays, people expect new mommys to “suck it up” and just get straight back to work as soon as those 6 to 12 weeks are up… as if we’ve been on some type of vacation. Have you all bumped your heads? Having a baby is work–thats why they call it labor– and everything we do after that is just as tiring as your 9-5 job. We’re working 24/7. The only difference between us Mama’s and most of you is that we love our “job”. We live for this! 

I wish so badly that I could be a stay-at-home Mom. I would do anything for that… but let’s be real, that’s just unrealistic. Here’s where “the married life” takes place: I ran it by Steven, and I know he fears to struggle just as much as I do, but he sees how badly I need this… I think. I definitely think that I must at least have a year with Sophia. I need that just as much as she needs me. So… I’ve put a lot of thought into this. I’ve been applying to many many many places looking for a job (preferably monday through friday, 9-5 or 7-3) that could help me do this. I actually return to work this Tuesday, and I’m hoping I can pull myself together and hold off until I can find a place; I’ll be honest, I can see myself giving up 3 days into my first week back. Can you blame me? I don’t leave Sophia for more than 2 hours. Two hours is too long… imagine what 8 hours would do to me? I fear depression. I fear stress. I do not want my daughter to feel any of that energy. 

I fear for our family to struggle, but whats life without that? What’s life without risk? What’s life without love? I love my daughter, so I’d risk anything to be with her. To learn with her. To teach her. To raise her. I believe that we need a little struggle here and there to better ourselves. I just hope that we can make it through this. I feel as though maybe I’m being selfish; selfish but it’s all for her. Everything I do is and forever will be for her… love it or hate it. 

any mommy advice? feel free to share!

X’s & O’s

Sophelys

ps. I think I’d make an AWESOME stay-at-home Mama! 😉

Fireworks… And a thought.

Hello there! Hope you all had just as much as a good time as I did watching the fireworks. Spent most of the day with baby Sophia and the family. 4th of July was blessed with the perfect day. We’ve been dealing with humidity the past couple days, but not yesterday—nice breeze and just the right cool temperature. I decided to leave Sophia with her grandparents while we went to watch the works. Makes me sad leaving her, but I just have to get used to it I suppose (sn: I will talk more about this in another post. So much to say!).

Steven and I went to Takoma Park ms with my cousins and their kids. We actually haven’t watched the fireworks show in almost 6 years, so I was just completely in awe by the show. Literally felt like I was watching stars fall out the sky, it was beautiful!

Besides the show, we all had such a great time together. We had those glow sticks and I think it’s safe to say that we (as in the adults (ahh… I’m an adult… weird)) had more fun with those things than the kids did! I just can’t wait til Sophia’s old enough to watch and enjoy the 4th of July festivities. I can’t wait to make those memories with her. It would’ve been a perfect night, but without Sophia nothing’s perfect.

So… I’ve been thinking, yesterday I felt so much pride being an American, and I realized that I shouldn’t just wait til one day a year to feel that way towards our country… I mean this is the land of the free. There’s opportunity here. There’s a chance to live here, “live” as in a verb. There’s hope—Unlike many places in this world that doesn’t have these things, places where freedom is just striped away. I want Sophia to grow and know this. I want Sophia to Live. To hope. To jump at every opportunity she gets. I want Sophia to take pride in her culture, but not forget where she comes from. We maybe hispanic-American, but I feel as if I was ashamed of being an American because how the “outside world” (outside of my world that is) portrayed Americans. I don’t want her to feel ashamed of anything. I don’t want her to be afraid of what others may think of her for being American, Mexican, Cuban, Salvadoran… Sheeeshhhh!!!! What a mix! Well… My minds running blank here. I’ve said what I’ve felt. That’s just a thought.

Love it or hate it.

X’s & O’s

Sophelys.

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