Him…

Hey guys! So its been a pretty good number of days since the last time I’ve posted something. I would’ve a lot sooner but I had some stuff going on… blah blah blah… you know how it is sometimes. Life happens. I was actually working on this post 2 weeks ago, but never got back to it, not necessarily because I didn’t have the time to, I mean yes I was going through some things, but there was definitely some free time in there and this topic has been sitting on me for a while. There’s just something about it… I don’t know what it is though. Maybe I’m confused, or just too scared too sound dumb or ignorant. Yes, I know I shouldn’t care what anyone thinks, but please I’m human; of course I freaking care what people think! So, here it is.

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Let me start off by saying that if you haven’t read my post “Back and Forth” read it here. This post will probably make a lot more sense with that in the background. I also want to clear up that if I offend anyone based on my thoughts, it is not my intention… I’m just a little, uhm, stuck? I think that’s how I’m feeling.

Tonight I attended a youth group, it was my first time ever being a part of something like this. As you may already know, I don’t necessarily know much about God or His word, or the bible itself. All I know is that I believe in God, I believe in a high power… I believe He is the higher power, but I don’t know how I feel about the bible, and what happens to be right or wrong according to “His word”. I say it that way because maybe I have some serious trust issues but how do we really know these are His words? Ever heard of that telephone game? You know the one we played in middle school during a class to teach us how things can easily be misinterpreted based on what each person understands or hear? You’d come up with a phrase like “I like to read poetry and listen to music”, and you’d say it to one person, then the next person passes it on to the next person, and so on and so forth until they reach the last person in the group. Then we ask the last person what they heard and they come up with some bullcrap that would go something like this: “I really don’t like poetry and I write my own songs”. Which is pretty much far from what the original phrase was. Well, how do we know if that’s not what happened with the bible? How do we know that the people who keep publishing the bible don’t make their own “rules” (that’s what I think the bible is… a book of rules)? How can we really go by a book that was created years ago, with no other evidence that proves it is God’s word?

Am I supposed to listen to my heart? Wait for a message from Him to tell me, or to at least convince me that the bible is real? By real I mean not written by a human being who thinks this is what we should be doing. Like I said before, maybe I have trust issues. Maybe I think too much about it. I just don’t understand how easily someone can just pick up a bible, trust its words, and live by them. Does this make me a bad person? I question it too much I suppose. I question Him a lot. I question the church. I question His followers. I don’t know why though, maybe because I wasn’t raised going to church or reading the bible. I wasn’t raised learning “prayers”. I was raised knowing that God is everything, that God is love. God is our “Father”, and that’s all I went by. Yes, I believe in Him and I believe in Jesus. I believe in praying. I believe in Angels and Demons. I think what has me stumped is simply… The Bible.

Now back to the youth group meeting I attended. It was both beautiful and too be honest a little uncomfortable, not in such a bad way though. I felt like an outsider, although I did have my fiancé there with me along with my (lets just call them) brother and sister-in-law. But everyone knew what to do, and when the leaders spoke they were so into it. They have so much passion into passing on His word. That was beautiful. But praying, trying to “feel” the Holy Spirit… it just made me feel so strange. I didn’t know what I was feeling. My body felt like it was being renewed. My bones felt like they were being touched. My body was filled with something that I had never felt before. Did I experience an encounter with the Holy spirit? Is that possible? Why did I feel the need to pray? Why did I feel the need to get up on my feet and raise my arms and search for more? What was it? Maybe the energy in the room, or the music in the background– which was extremely beautiful! Why do I question it all though? Why can’t I just accept the bible or church? Maybe because of the next thing I’m about to say…

So there was this one verse they went over, here it is:

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

Matthew 10:34-38

(sn: not sure if there’s a proper way to quote this or anything,  and not sure if we went over that entire verse, but most of it for sure).

Now… I am going to be completely honest here; want to know what my first thoughts were when I heard this? “What the Hell is this?!” I mean I didn’t understand… why would He say this? How am I expected to love Him more than my own mother or father? How is it right to put Him before my own daughter? I’ve never heard something like this before. Is this real? Is this really His word? Am I not worthy of Him because I think of my daughter above anyone else? I was angry. Who is He? I was confused, and extremely offended. They kept on reading the verse and my mind was racing with such negative thoughts, it just didn’t make any sense to me… at all. Then I continued to listened, my mind began to calm down from its rushing thoughts of confusion, and I could finally think

I tried to read the verse on my own over and over to try and grasp some type of understanding as to why God would sound this selfish. Yes. I at that very moment, I thought He was selfish. I thought that He was trying to say that He only mattered. I thought God was ordering us to “love” Him; I thought He just wanted to feel powerful. Am I not worthy for Him because of those thoughts? I hope not. I know He has to be hearing me, and I know He has to understand why I can’t just grasp it all. Because if I don’t understand why I question it all… then who else but Him would know?

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3 weeks later… I’ve been working on this post for 3 weeks now, and my mind has definitely flipped completely from how it felt the first time I heard that verse. NO, I still do not completely understand it, BUT this is what I  think it means: God is our creator, He is all of what is around us. He is the higher power, He is our father. God is love; to know love we must know God, and trust God, and love God. No one else. We must put God first because if we don’t then how could we possibly put anyone before Him and know how to love them, treat them, care for them, if without God we wouldn’t even understand any of those actions? We must believe in Him for He is who protects us, and has plans for us, and listens to us, and is here for us. He is the one who teaches us without us even knowing that we are learning. It is Him who shows us what love is. Maybe that verse has nothing to do with love, but that is what God is to me–Love. I love love, and I love everything about it and I feel that He’s shown me how beautiful love is. Maybe the verse is simply that God comes first, before anyone, before ourselves, and that’s just it… it’s that simple, I suppose.

I want my daughter to know what love is, every shape, every form of love, and I want her to know that God loves her. But how do I teach her these things when I question them daily and still can’t wrap my mind around understanding His word?

I definitely want to attend another group session again. It’s helping me in a way. My mind, my heart, my perspective in general is changing… I just can’t seem to understand how.

I’ll end it here. I can’t seem to find what I want to say. My thoughts run back and forth on this particular topic… I don’t know where I stand on it. I’ve worked on this for too long and I still haven’t found an answer… maybe I’ll get it one day.

Xoxo

Sophelys.

him